Psychological assistance to a family going through a divorce. Psychological help after divorce

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Modification of the bereavement model

To describe the stages of divorce, a modification of the bereavement model proposed by E. Kübler-Ross can be used (Kübler-Ross E., 2001).

1. Denial stage. Initially, the reality of what is happening is denied. Usually a person spends a lot of time, energy and feelings on close relationships, so it is difficult for him to immediately come to terms with divorce. At this stage, the work of defense mechanisms is updated: rationalization (“liberation has finally come,” “sooner or later this would have happened anyway”), devaluation (“in fact, the marriage was terrible,” “my husband is a complete nonentity”), denial (“ nothing like that happened”, “everything is fine”), etc.

2. Stage of embitterment. At this stage, a feeling of anger towards the partner arises. The abandoned partner experiences a state of frustration caused by the collapse of his plans and hopes. Often he begins to manipulate children, trying to attract them to his side.

3. Negotiation stage. Attempts are being made here to restore the marriage. Spouses use various manipulations towards each other, including sexual relations, the threat of pregnancy, or pregnancy. Sometimes they resort to pressure on their partner from others.

4. Stage of depression. When denial, aggressiveness and negotiation do not bring any results, a depressed mood sets in. A person feels like a loser, his self-esteem and trust in people drop.

5. Acceptance stage. This stage is associated with accepting the fact of divorce and adapting to changed living conditions. In cases where there were children in the marriage, they also need support and help in adapting to the new situation.

Model of the process of disintegration of emotional relationships

S. Dak proposed a model of the process of disintegration of emotional relationships, which includes four phases: intrapsychic, dyadic, social and the “finishing” phase (Gozman L. Ya., 1987). Each of them has its own specific characteristics and goals.

The goal of the intrapsychic phase is to understand what exactly is unsatisfactory in a given relationship, identify one’s problems with the uncertain aspects of the relationship, and find ways to increase satisfaction with the partner and the relationship with him. The result of passing the first phase can be:

Coming to terms with existing problems in marriage;

Deciding to express your displeasure to your partner.

The goals of the dyadic phase are different. This is confrontation with a partner and restructuring or ending the relationship with him. Negative emotions begin to predominate, anxiety increases, and a feeling of guilt appears. This phase can last for years. It is characterized by “clarification of relations” between spouses and attempts to change something in their interaction. The passage of the second phase can be marked by:

Rebuilding and maintaining relationships;

Deciding to end the relationship.

At the social phase, there is a constant transition from quarrels to reconciliations, excitement and anxiety about one’s future, fear of loneliness, etc. are updated. At this stage, other people (relatives, friends) are involved in the process of family breakdown. As a result, the spouses seek acceptance by their immediate social circle of the fact of the termination of their relationship.

The “finishing” phase involves the reorganization of the experienced experience, its reinterpretation in order to create a more favorable and non-traumatic history of emotional relationships with former partner. The following options for the outcome of this phase are possible:

Reconciliation with the fact of the breakdown of relationships, gaining positive experience, personal growth of partners;

Past experience is perceived as one's own failure.

Model of emotional relationship breakdown

One of the concepts describing the disintegration of emotional relationships was proposed by J. A. Lee (quoted from: Ageiko O. V.), who identified the following phases:

1. Awareness of dissatisfaction.

2. Expression of dissatisfaction.

3. Negotiations.

4. Decision making.

5. Transformation of relationships.

J. A. Lee notes that the order he proposes is optional. The passage of the listed phases individually for each married couple. The process of disintegration may not be aimed at ending the relationship, but at transforming it. As the author of this concept believes, the cyclical nature of relationships, including the phases he proposes, can be repeated throughout life.

Types of reactions to divorce

The emotional loss of divorce will not be as severe if the couple can maintain contact after the end of the marital relationship. This is quite likely if the ex-spouses have sufficient psychological maturity and are able to continue to function as a parenting couple.

A husband and wife who have a strong emotional attachment to each other (that is, were in a merging or codependent relationship) may face significant difficulties in the event of a divorce. The anxiety that arises in connection with the severance of close relationships prompts the rapid creation of a new codependent union, in which there is a high probability of reproducing previous experiences. The presence of unfinished relationships, unlived, unreacted strong feelings related to a former partner can also complicate the building of new relationships. The types of reactions to divorce depend on a number of factors:

Features of the divorce (its form, depth, duration, number of participants involved);

Attitudes towards him from the spouses;

Available resources (material and housing security, health, emotional state, children's problems, age of spouses).

The most common strategies for dealing with divorce are:

1. Aggressive, expressed in the desire to destroy the life of a partner, cause him pain, and take revenge for the suffering caused.

2. Manipulative, associated with the desire to keep and return a marriage partner in any way, even at the cost of losing self-esteem and the respect of the partner.

3. Accepting, conditioned by an adequate assessment of reality and acceptance of it as it is, which makes it possible to maintain a relationship with a former partner without devaluing the years lived together, and to minimize negative consequences for children.

Circumstances complicating the post-divorce situation

The post-divorce situation can be complicated by various circumstances. Despite the liberalization of views on divorce, stereotypes still persist that divorced women have a lower social status than married women. In this regard, after going through a divorce, they may unexpectedly encounter negative reactions in their social environment. In the future, this could lead to a critical escalation of an already tense situation.

The social consequences of divorce are tension and loss of usual contacts. In the process of divorce, ties with mutual acquaintances are weakened, and relationships with extended family members are complicated. After initial sympathy and support, loved ones often begin to distance themselves. The loss or reduction of social contacts gives rise to a feeling of loneliness, which, in turn, can lead to depression, decreased ability to work, psychosomatic diseases, etc. This process is often accompanied by disappointment and developing distrust of people. Former spouses after a divorce may be afraid to enter into a new marriage, avoiding a repetition of the traumatic experience.

If the external boundaries of the broken family were very rigid and the spouses had almost no independent relationships of their own with other people, then after the divorce the former partners may experience deep emotional experiences.

The trauma of divorce for a child

Divorce is a crisis that affects the entire family system and is difficult not only for spouses, but also for children. Children's reactions to divorce are largely determined by their age. It is most traumatic for preschool and teenage children. At the age of 3.5-6 years, a child is not able to adequately understand the changes taking place in the family and often blames himself for everything. In adolescence, parental divorce can negatively affect the solution of age-related problems and complicate the processes of secondary individuation and separation. It is during this period that the child needs the support of both parents and, above all, the father, who plays an important role in the social adaptation of the teenager. Childhood experiences can range from mild depression, apathy to sharp negativism and demonstration of disagreement with the opinions of parents.

The traumatic nature of parental divorce also increases due to the fact that the destruction of the family is not a consequence of the choice of the child himself. He is forced to simply come to terms with his parents' decision. The breakdown of a family can represent for him the collapse of his world and cause various protest, phobic and depressive reactions. The severity of childhood experiences can be influenced by several factors:

The nature of intra-family relationships before the divorce and the degree of involvement of the child in solving marital problems;

Features of the divorce process;

Which parent does the child remain with after the divorce, relationship with this parent;

The nature of the relationship between ex-spouses after divorce.

Sometimes the parent with whom the child remains to live after a divorce allows himself to make aggressive attacks towards the second parent or conveys to the child his negative attitude towards the former marital partner. In some cases, both parents may do this, trying to organize a coalition with the child in order to get support from him or to take revenge on the ex-spouse. The child is thus drawn into a conflict of loyalties. This is fraught with a disruption in the process of forming his ego-identity, a decrease in self-esteem and self-acceptance, and the appearance of an inferiority complex, since it is associated with a devaluation of the image of the parent, which is an integral part of the child’s own image of the “I”.

As a result of divorce, an incomplete family is formed - a family with one parent, which necessitates structural reorganization. At the same time, despite the fact that the former spouses lose the status of husband and wife, they continue to remain parents for their children, taking part in their upbringing.

Often the financial level of a family drops after a divorce. In this regard, the remaining parent is forced to look for a new higher-paying job or additional income. Not being able to cope with economic difficulties alone, he often returns to his parents' family. Such a move can lead to the actualization of previous conflicts between the parent and grandparents (grandparents) and complicate the process of family reorganization. A variety of structural disturbances may occur: intergenerational coalitions between grandparents and grandchildren, role inversions (the remaining parent takes on the role of “family breadwinner,” leaving the maternal function of raising grandchildren to the grandparents), competitive relationships between grandparents and parents, and a decline in the status and authority of the latter. (violation according to the hierarchy parameter).

In some cases, a parent who cannot cope with the workload may turn to an older child for help, transferring some of the parental functions to him. Such a child may be tasked with looking after younger children and also doing some housework. Often, a parent who is left alone may seek emotional support from him, delegating to the child some of the functions of his ex-spouse. The blurring of the boundaries of the child-parent subsystem can become a source of a number of problems for the child, since the responsibilities addressed to him do not correspond to his age and status (status uncertainty).

Thus, divorce is a crisis experienced not only at the level of the marital subsystem, but also at the level of the extended family and requires global family reorganization.

Psychological help

Psychological assistance to a family going through a divorce is determined by the dynamics of the process itself and can take various forms: Individual counseling (therapy); O Marital counseling (therapy); ? group therapy for divorcing spouses and children; O family counseling (therapy).

Divorce falls under the category of loss, and from this perspective, working with divorced partners is similar to working with bereaved people. The following work steps can be recommended:

1. Working through feelings of resentment, despair, anger, guilt, etc., experienced by the spouse (spouses).

2. Identifying frustrated needs behind the presented feelings and finding ways to satisfy them, taking into account the changed situation.

3. Rethinking and positive reinterpretation of the experience gained.

4. Searching for the internal resources of the spouse (spouses) and making plans for the future.

5. Assisting in family reorganization.

When providing psychological assistance to divorcing spouses, support from a psychologist is very important, since in the post-divorce state they often feel lonely, abandoned, uninteresting, boring, etc. Help and support from others have a positive impact on the psychological state of divorcing spouses during this period close people - relatives and friends, which can significantly ease the consequences of divorce.

When providing psychological counseling to divorcing spouses, it is very important for the psychologist to be aware of various legal aspects of the divorce problem, among which various issues related to children are especially important.

In order to reduce the negative consequences of divorce for children, it is important to inform parents about the importance of maintaining contact between the child and both parents and the need to maintain the child’s confidence that they still love him and be attentive to his feelings and experiences. It is necessary to help former spouses enter into a parental agreement, which provides for determining the share of participation of each in raising the child.

If it is revealed that part of the parental or marital functions has been delegated to one of the children, it is necessary to help the parent find more suitable objects for receiving support, as well as develop a system of rights and responsibilities adequate to the child’s age so that he can meet the needs of his own development.

In cases of extended family reunification after divorce, therapeutic intervention is aimed at reorganizing intrafamily boundaries and dividing responsibilities between parent and grandparent. For example, the grandparent takes care of the child in the absence of the parent, but returns these functions to the child after the latter returns.

Thus, working with people who have experienced divorce requires quite a long time and includes the reorganization of the entire family system.

Specialists at the Egolution Center for Psychological Development provide divorce assistance to spouses and their family members. The reasons for breaking marital ties may be different, but their consequences are often the same: severe emotional state, destabilization, depression. It is easier to survive this period of life with the help of a family psychologist.

Over the years of living together, the spouses become almost a single whole: they lead a common life, raise children, share hardships and joys, and provide each other with psychological assistance. This is why it is incredibly difficult to accept the new phase of this relationship. To avoid the consequences of psychological trauma during divorce, the ex-spouse needs to understand in time that he needs help.

In what situations is the help of a psychologist needed during a divorce?

Each person is unique, so it is extremely difficult to predict in advance how a spouse will react to the emotional shock of divorce. Experts identify typical circumstances that indicate that a person needs psychological help:

despite the final breakdown of the relationship, the ex-husband (or wife) continues to make efforts to restore the family;
at the stage of deciding on divorce, the other half refuses to take responsibility for the problems, analyze and model the situation;
one of the spouses during a divorce cannot make the final choice in favor of preserving the family or ending its existence and does not understand the value of help;
a person rapidly loses or gains weight, begins to abuse alcohol or other stimulants, and refuses to accept psychological help;
a family member shows aggression towards loved ones.

If you have one or more of the signs described above, the best way out of the crisis is to seek help from a psychologist during a divorce.

Reasons for divorce

Providing psychological assistance during divorce is carried out taking into account the reasons that led to the breakdown of relations between spouses. Most common:

psychological and practical unpreparedness for family life (42%);
alcoholism of a spouse (23-31%);
adultery (12-15%);
other reasons (family violence, different views on material well-being, groundless jealousy, intimate dissatisfaction, etc.).

Psychological assistance during divorce helps men and women overcome this difficult period with dignity. Not only the “injured party,” but also the initiator of the divorce process is also involved in the experience. He may be under pressure from both his ex-husband, his relatives, and society as a whole.

In addition, during a divorce, children need psychological help. It is important for a child to know that his parents still love him and he can count on their support.

What kind of help does a family psychologist provide during divorce?

There are several typical behavior options for spouses after a divorce. Not all people in this situation need psychological help. Some of them accept this fact, adequately assess the current life situation and continue to lead their usual lifestyle. Such persons usually do not need psychological assistance from specialists. Others show aggression, seek to inflict pain, take revenge on their partner for the insult caused, and completely deny the possibility of a normal life after a divorce. There is a third group of people who, after a breakup, strive to turn back time and restore a broken family, not paying attention to natural obstacles to this. In the second and third situations, the help of a specialist during a divorce gives a person the opportunity to look at his life circumstances from the outside, to adequately assess the chances of restoring the relationship and the prospects for further destructive behavior.

Benefits of Seeking Help for Divorce

At the Egolution Center for Psychological Development, former partners, as well as their family members, will always find support and understanding. Among the advantages of contacting specialists it is worth noting:

complete anonymity and confidentiality of attending sessions;
minimal expenditure of time and effort to overcome the problem (compared to solving it independently);
the professional nature of the psychological assistance provided.

To make an appointment with a family psychologist, contact the company manager by phone listed on the website. Take care of yourself!

Divorce from a husband, and even more so when there are children in the family, is a severe emotional shock. But even in the most emergency situations, in order not to cause trouble and emerge victorious from the situation, it is very important to remain calm. In this article we present 10 valuable advice psychologists who can help a woman with children survive a divorce safely.

In a divorce situation, you should first take care of yourself, and then the children. This is in no way selfishness, but a common sense approach to resolving the problem. Only by normalizing your psychological and mental balance can you adequately perceive the world. Believe me, first of all, children want to see their mother happy and smiling, and not a tearful and depressed victim mother with dark circles under her eyes.

Understand and accept what is happening to you

According to psychologists, the feelings experienced during a divorce are similar to those experienced when losing a loved one. A woman experiences the same palette of feelings, in the same sequence:

The main thing is to recover from the shock.

1. State of shock - the mind refuses to believe in what is happening.

2. Then comes anger, hatred and anger, attacks of uncontrollable aggression.

3. As soon as the second stage passes, the woman makes attempts to return her beloved, and by any means.

4. At this stage, awareness of what happened comes, which often leads to apathy and depression.

5. The final stage is the acceptance of the situation when a woman understands the inevitability of divorce, comes to terms with reality and thinks about how to live further.

First you need to figure out what stage you are currently at, what you feel and what emotions you are experiencing. This seemingly insignificant step is a big internal progress.

Take a break

The most difficult period after a divorce, called the “shock phase,” lasts about 2-3 months. This time is dangerous because you can make a bunch of mistakes that a person will later regret.

Take a break.

Therefore, in order to prevent this from happening, you should give yourself a time-out. At this time, you cannot make any decisions, much less act. You need to give your psyche and brain time to stabilize, and only then think rationally and carefully.

Try to control your negativity

It is normal to experience a bunch of negative emotions during a divorce, and you should not try to suppress it within yourself and pretend that everything is fine. You need to allow your psyche to go through a difficult period in your life, but do it right.

Let's dose out the negative.

You shouldn't grieve around the clock - learn to manage your emotions. The technique of suffering over time works well. Give yourself a few hours a week to immerse yourself in all your experiences, cry and completely give in to your emotions. But as soon as the time is up, return to normal life.

Bring yourself back to the “here and now”

To make emotional distress easier, it is useful to return yourself to the “here and now” state. As soon as a wave of worries comes, look around and think about what is happening at the moment - how the sun is shining, how the leaves are growing on the trees, how the birds are flying - this will distract the brain. Think about the fact that there is no past and future - there is only the present, the current moment in time. As practice shows, this is a very effective technique that quickly relieves internal tension.

Don't be afraid to ask for help

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Despite the fact that women are naturally weak creatures, it is difficult for them to ask for help and they are ashamed to appear unsuccessful. This is a big mistake that can lead to nervous breakdowns. Therefore, you should not play the role of a mother-heroine and carry all the problems on your fragile shoulders. Do not hesitate to ask for help from acquaintances, relatives and friends. For most people close to you, it will definitely not be a problem to help you, for example, in everyday matters.

Think about your health

When psychological health is at risk, physical health can come to the rescue.

Therefore, try to adjust your work and rest schedule, switch to proper nutrition and take care of your body - walk more often, sign up for a gym or yoga. Physical activity promotes the production of joy hormones, which means stress will be experienced more easily.

Give permission and promise yourself pleasure

Write down on paper everything that brings you pleasure - handicrafts, watching movies, going to cafes with friends, sleeping, cosmetics, shopping, aromatic coffee or something else. It doesn’t matter what it is, the main thing is that it always makes you happy.

Let the coffee always be hot, your soul happy, and the day warm and sunny

Then make a contract with yourself that at least once a week you will give yourself at least one item from the above. The main thing is to keep your promise and not look for reasons why it is impossible to do so.

Now that your own condition has stabilized, take action to help your children.

Do not try to turn the child against the father

The psychology of a child is built in such a way that they perceive themselves as 50% mom, 50% dad, therefore, if you tell them that their father is a nonentity, dishonest and generally ugh, they will apply all these words to themselves as at least half.
All the bad things you direct at your ex are automatically directed at your children.

And don’t turn the child against the father.

The child cannot separate himself from his father, and at the same time he has a great desire to please his mother - this gives rise to an internal conflict in him, which in most cases leads to very bad consequences. Remember that the divorce is between you and your husband, he is a stranger to you, but for the children you still remain your beloved mom and dad.

Tell your children they are not to blame for your divorce.

For any child, the divorce of their parents is akin to a universal catastrophe, and they shift all the blame onto themselves. You shouldn’t think that everything will go away by itself, that there’s nothing wrong with it - be sure to talk with your child about what he thinks and about his experiences. In conversations, be sure to emphasize that what is happening is not their fault.

Create emotional safety for children

Children see and perceive the world around them through the reactions of their parents. It is by the reaction of adults that they judge the scale and seriousness of changes in their lives. If irritated, aggressive or apathetic parents walk in front of them, this will lead the child to depression. In his head, the thought process develops in the style of “if mom feels bad, then the situation is insoluble and will never be good again.”

Emotional

That’s why it’s so important to appear in high spirits in front of your child and not shout or quarrel with him. ex-husband, arrange holidays and fun walks for your child more often, behave calmly. Let your child know that everything is fine, and to make your words sound convincing, believe in them yourself.

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As you know, problems in the family life of spouses are not always solvable. Unfortunately, in some situations it is impossible to reach a compromise and then the spouses are left with the last desperate step - to resort to divorce. But when deciding on it, people do not think that divorce is one of the most serious psychotraumatic situations, comparable to the death of a loved one or a serious illness. Therefore, psychological help during divorce is often simply necessary. After all experienced psychologist will give advice and help a man and woman survive a divorce, cope with the shock and pain that always accompany it, not lose hope for a bright future, as well as faith in people and themselves.

Why do you need help from experienced psychologists?

It’s worth noting right away that the help of a psychologist during and after divorce is needed by all family members, and first of all by the spouse who is being abandoned. Moreover, if this came as a surprise to him, and he is completely against divorce, since he still loves his spouse very much. A psychologist will be able to give him important advice on how to survive a divorce, which, in his opinion, is a real betrayal on your part.

After a divorce, it is especially difficult for female representatives who are left with a child in their arms. Women abandoned by their husbands face many problems, ranging from financial difficulties to a feeling of uncertainty and fear of being alone. For women, getting help from a psychologist after a divorce is especially important.

But going through a divorce is not easy for the initiator of the separation. He will also suffer emotionally, and a pressing sense of responsibility for what happened will torment him constantly. But an experienced psychologist, of course, will be able to provide him with qualified assistance.

And of course, the most affected party in a divorce needs the help of psychologists the most - children who cannot fully understand what is happening, and more than others feel a sense of guilt for what happened. Psychological assistance not provided to a child in a timely manner can become a serious trauma for the still undeveloped psyche, and as a result, completely destroy the future life of the little person.

According to statistics, it takes professional help psychologist, people have to spend from 3 to 5 years of their lives, and in some situations even 10 years is not enough. A consultation with a psychologist makes it possible to reduce given period at least doubled. In addition, a specialist will help you cope with the breakup easier or avoid it altogether if there is still a chance to improve the situation.

In other words, get out of this difficult everyday situation with minimal losses for yourself and your loved ones.

In what situations is the help of a psychologist necessary?

So when should you seek psychological advice and help from a specialist? You and your spouse should definitely seek the help of a psychologist during the divorce process or after it if:

You want to use any effort to return to your previous good and strong relationships in the family and need effective outside help and support.
You are desperately trying to improve your relationship with your partner and avoid divorce, but you are not succeeding. And after another failed attempt, you feel more and more resentment, pain, powerlessness and irritation.
Your spouse refuses to take on any share of responsibility for the problems that have arisen in the family, does not want and completely refuses joint discussion, analysis, or any other attempts to somehow improve the situation.
You are tormented by mixed feelings: on the one hand, you do not want to get a divorce and are trying in every possible way to avoid it, but at the same time, sometimes strong emotions come over you, in the impulse of which you realize that you are even ready to file for divorce.
You cannot cope with feelings of anger, anger and aggression towards your spouse, him or your parents. And more and more often, in a fit of anger, you say that you hate them, although you understand that you are hurting them, but you cannot take control of yourself and you need help.
Experiences due to the breakdown of a marital relationship cause you to rapidly lose or, conversely, gain weight, abuse alcoholic beverages or other harmful substances.
Discord in the family and an impending or already occurred divorce cause a constant feeling of resentment and pain. You feel yourself becoming depressed or apathetic. Self-esteem decreases more and more, you begin to feel inferior and abandoned. Or even, perhaps, you think that life is completely broken and the only way out is suicide.

In all of the above cases, you should immediately seek help from a psychologist, and he will help you cope with difficulties, survive a divorce and give practical advice.

Help from psychologists before divorce

Psychological assistance during divorce is necessary for spouses if they are just on the verge of divorce, in other words, they are still deciding to separate. A specialist will help the couple understand themselves and make the right and carefully considered decision: is it worth ending the relationship or is it still possible to fix everything. A psychologist, of course, cannot decide for you, but an experienced specialist can help you understand what you really want, as well as give useful advice.

In addition, we must not forget that at this stage the family can still be saved. And consultations with a family psychologist will give partners the opportunity to look at their problems and disagreements from the perspective of their spouse, and thereby provide assistance in restoring the family. Well, if the situation turns out to be irreparable, then a psychologist will help you survive the divorce without unnecessary nerves and worries.

However, it is not always possible to go to family counseling. But don’t despair, even if your husband or wife doesn’t want to see a psychologist, it’s always possible to sign up for an individual psychological consultation and get the necessary advice and help. It is extremely important not to delay contacting specialists in situations:

when the news about the separation was unexpected for one of the partners, which caused misunderstanding and ignorance of how to survive it and what to do next;
if the spouses still want to save their marriage, even despite the presence of disagreements and problems in the family;
one of the partners continues to love his betrothed.

Help from a psychologist in divorce proceedings

It's no secret that divorce is accompanied by constant stress and anxiety, mutual insults, reproaches and disappointment, and a struggle for property and children. This can unsettle even the most balanced person. A psychologist will be able to provide qualified assistance to a divorcing person, give advice on how to learn to get rid of stress and relax, even in such a difficult life situation.

Help from a psychologist after divorce

Often, after the official dissolution of a marriage, former spouses have to continue communication due to the presence of common children, living space, joint work, or some other things. However, this factor has an extremely negative effect on a person after a breakup. He continues to give himself false hope that his wife can still be returned, although he does not think so at all. And therefore old attachment prevents a person from starting new life and find new love.

Or they begin to look for so-called surrogate love, a copy of former love. It happens that a person unconsciously begins to look for a new partner, even one who looks similar to his ex-spouse. However, the problem did not go away, because of which the divorce occurred, which means that the new relationship is again doomed to failure.

If, after a divorce, ex-spouses are unable to distance themselves and start their own lives, then qualified help from a psychologist will come in very handy. And a person who finds it difficult to cope with a breakup and has fallen into a deep depression from which he cannot get out, especially needs the help of an experienced psychologist.

Why is the help of psychologists important after a divorce?

As you know, there are seven stages of grief, including after breaking up with a loved one. And a good experienced psychologist will help you at every stage and help you get through this difficult time in life.

The first stage is ice. After a divorce, you will not feel anything: complete apathy and numbness. To cope with this, you just need to wait until the feelings thaw. If there is an opportunity to discuss your life with someone and talk it out, take it. Of course, an experienced psychologist will come to your aid.
Denial stage. The person simply does not believe that this happened to him. He denies in every possible way the fact that he is now divorced. He thinks that he will wake up now - and everything will turn out to be a bad dream or the spouse will change his mind and return. A psychologist will help you at this stage and give you the opportunity to survive it.
The next stage is fear. Not understanding how to survive a divorce. Fear that he will spend the rest of his life alone. To get through this stage, you need to think carefully about what exactly causes the feeling of fear and talk about it with a psychologist or friend who is ready to listen.
Rage stage. A person is overcome by feelings of anger, anger and aggression towards his ex and towards himself after a divorce. The best way to overcome this is in the following way: write a letter in which you express all your feelings, dissatisfaction and accusations, and then re-read it and tear it up or burn it. You can also break your unloved dishes on the floor or beat a pillow.
Next comes the stage of despair. You will feel sadness, pain, melancholy, hopelessness, apathy and fatigue. You may even become depressed due to thoughts of your own uselessness. A new hobby or activity after a divorce will help you combat this. familiar things, which always made me happy. Immerse yourself in business, do not leave yourself time for sadness and self-pity. If you can’t cope on your own, turn to friends or a psychologist for help.
The penultimate stage is calm. Usually at this point a person comes to the realization that marriage could teach him a lot and give him valuable life experience. The help of a psychologist will help you begin to enjoy the freedom gained after a divorce and spend time with your loved one.
The last stage is acceptance. And finally, with the help of a psychologist, you will be ready for a new wonderful life after divorce.

Remember, divorce is a difficult test in the life of any person. However, an experienced psychologist will always be able to give you a “helping hand” and easily cope with it.

Any divorce, even if it is by mutual desire, is a serious trauma, which is aggravated by the need to completely reorganize your life. Before divorce, most people have no idea what they might actually face. The problems facing divorcees affect many aspects of life, such as division of property, reorganization of everyday life, creating new relationships with friends, relatives, children, etc.

Reasons for divorce

Studying divorce proceedings family psychologists led to the creation of various classifications of motives for divorce. Motives here usually mean various conditions, reasons and circumstances that led to the divorce.

Here is a classification of the reasons for divorce proposed by a domestic psychologist (Elizarov, 2004):
protracted marital conflicts;
betrayal of one of the spouses;
new love;
cooling in emotional relationships;
the need to start a different life, more joyful and more eventful;
divorce and everything connected with it have become the central theme of marital communication, ensuring eventful life;
dissatisfaction with the distribution of marital roles and responsibilities;
problems in the sexual sphere;
parents pit spouses against each other;
somatic or mental illness of one of the spouses;
chronic illness in a child;
lack of warmth and trust in relationships;
spouses discover that they have different values;
one spouse seeks to exploit the other;
non-compliance with culture of behavior and norms Everyday life one of the spouses;
poor material and living conditions that complicate family life;
living together with parents;
drug addiction of one of the spouses;
obsessive jealousy on the part of one of the spouses;
unequal level of education and social status;
difficulties in combining family and non-family roles for one of the spouses;
infertility of one of the spouses;
addiction of one of the spouses to gambling;
overload, physical and/or emotional exhaustion of one of the spouses due to work;
one spouse believes that the other spends money irrationally; problems associated with spending money;
one of the spouses believes that the other organizes his time irrationally and does not live like that;
loss of meaning in life by one or both spouses, unfavorable emotional states associated with this.

Options for contacting a family psychologist about divorce

There are several of the most common options for appeals in connection with divorce.

First option- one of the spouses wants a divorce, the second wants to save the marriage and resorts to the help of a family psychologist as one of the last options. It is unlikely that in this case a family psychologist will help save such a marriage. Perhaps the only thing he can do is help a person survive and accept the inevitability of divorce.

Second option more favorable - both spouses doubt the need for divorce. Although family life reached a dead end, they strive to get out of it. And a family psychologist can really help them with this.

The next fairly common problem is separation from a partner. People come to the consultation who no longer hope to get their partner back, and they are worried about the problem of how to move on, how to “fall out of love,” how to adapt to life without hope of reciprocity. In this case, the family psychologist will help to overcome the feelings of resentment, loss, guilt, etc., experienced by the client. Only after this the client is able to intellectually master the situation, understand something and change his own behavior. After this, you can move on to planning other aspects of life and searching for resources for a further fulfilling life.

Divorce, in the view of many experts, is not an event, but a process that begins with the spouses assessing the possibility of getting a divorce and ends when both partners create their own independent lifestyle. In this process, the help of a family psychologist is simply necessary.

Legal divorce is only part of the whole process. This process consists of two main stages: the decision stage and the restructuring stage. The first stage ends with the decision to divorce. The second stage consists of five separate processes occurring in parallel. These include the emotional, legal, economic, parental and social aspects of divorce. The process ends with achieving independence from the ex-spouse and former family. An important result is the achievement of an adequate level of cooperation between former spouses in matters of raising children who live with one of them.

Stages of divorce and assistance to spouses

American psychologist Maslow proposed a dialectical model of the divorce process, which includes seven stages and corresponding therapeutic methods to help its participants.

Emotional divorce- destruction of the illusions of married life, feelings of dissatisfaction, alienation of spouses, fear and despair, attempts to control a partner, disputes, the desire to avoid problems. At this stage, couples therapy for spouses or participation in group therapy is appropriate.

Time of reflection and despair before divorce. This period is accompanied by pain and despair, anger and fear, contradictory feelings and actions, often shock, a feeling of emptiness and chaos. At the cognitive-behavioral level, denial of the existing situation, physical and emotional retreat are characteristic. Attempts are made to make everything okay again, to return love, to get help from friends, family members, church. At this point, a family psychologist may suggest couples therapy for both partners, or some form of group therapy.

Legal divorce- registration of a break in relations at a formal level. This stage is associated not only with legal proceedings, but also with participation in family relationships partners of an ever-increasing circle of people. On an emotional level, spouses or one of them may experience depression, alienation, disputes, suicidal attempts, threats, and a desire to negotiate. The therapeutic intervention of a family psychologist can be useful both for the whole family and individually. During divorce and legal disputes, the abandoned spouse experiences self-pity, helplessness, despair and anger. Timely consultation with a lawyer or intermediary, whose role may also be played by Social worker, helps the family maintain their property and social rights (privileges). At this stage of divorce, children especially need psychological help.

Economic divorce may cause confusion, violent anger or sadness in either spouse (“Life is ruined - what does money matter!”). It shows individual therapy (accompaniment) by a family psychologist for adults and group therapy for children.

Establishing a balance between parental responsibilities and custody rights. The abandoned spouse experiences loneliness, relief, and seeks help from friends and relatives. Housewives are forced to return to work with a sense of newness and fear of not coping with problems.

Time to explore yourself and restore balance. The main problem of this period is loneliness and the contradictory feelings that accompany it: indecision, optimism, regret, sadness, curiosity, excitement. Behavior takes on a new direction: the search for new friends begins, activity appears, and the a new style life and daily routine for children, new responsibilities are formed for all family members. At this time, individual therapy is possible for adult family members and children, and group therapy for single people.

Psychological divorce- on the emotional level - this is readiness for action, self-confidence, energy, self-worth, independence and autonomy. On the cognitive-behavioral level - the synthesis of a new identity and the psychological completion of the divorce, the search for new objects of love and readiness for a long-term relationship. Therapeutic assistance is possible in the form of child-parent, family, and group therapy for all family members.

From a practical point of view, it is more expedient to divide the divorce process into periods during which spouses may require consulting and therapeutic assistance from a family psychologist: the pre-divorce period; period of divorce; post-divorce period.

Pre-divorce period. The main goal of a family psychologist’s work during this period is to achieve a thoughtful, responsible decision, regardless of whether the spouses strive to maintain a disharmonious marriage or not. During this period, you can still pause the process legal divorce. When working with spouses, a family psychologist finds out their attitude towards divorce as such, as well as the motivation for their decision. This takes into account the possibility of a temporary crisis during this period, the prospects for meeting the needs of the spouses and positive changes in the family, the consequences of divorce for both spouses and especially for children.
Psychologists note that public opinion gives rise to myths that support behavior that promotes divorce. Here we are talking about ideas that are presented as generally known truths, despite the fact that they do not correspond to reality.

Such myths include the following statements:
the second marriage is better than the first;
if the marriage failed, then only divorce can fix it
position;
For a child, divorce is not something exceptional,
because there are many other children around him from incomplete
families;
It's better to get a divorce than to save a family with children
will witness constant conflicts between parents;
after the end of the divorce period, everything will fall into place for the children;
If new partner he loves me, he will be happy with my children too.
If one of the partners is under the influence of such myths, then the task of a family psychologist is to help him abandon false ideas and eliminate their influence on decision-making.

Divorce period. This is the period when the spouses have already decided to divorce. Here, a family psychologist helps spouses restrain their emotions, guiding them to jointly solve specific problems related to divorce, which is most appropriate for both parties, taking into account, first of all, the interests and problems of the children.
The emotional state of the spouses is characterized by feelings of anger and sadness, fear, guilt, anger, and the desire for revenge. They can be contrasted with the desire to come to terms with loss, a sense of responsibility, the development of independence and the formation of new goals. The task of the family psychologist at this stage is to achieve acceptance of the divorce by both spouses. If the decision to divorce is unilateral, the “abandoned” partner considers the other to be at fault and experiences feelings of loss, neglect, impotent rage, or helplessness. The subject of disputes and contention may be issues of division of property or caring for children, so a family psychologist should help resolve emotional problems so that they do not affect the rational solution of business issues.

Legal issues include the division of property and apartments, payment of alimony, placement of children with one of the parents and the conclusion of an agreement on meetings of the ex-spouse with them. Most issues are best resolved based on mutual agreement.

How can children cope with divorce?

One of the most pressing issues in divorce is children. How to behave with them in order to mitigate the consequences of psychological trauma for them? In this case, family psychologists recommend following the so-called rules of safe divorce:

1. Even after a divorce, when you cease to be spouses, you still remain the child’s parents forever, so explain this to him.
2. Don’t drag your child into your squabbles.
3. When handing over a child for the weekend to the family of your ex-spouse, you need to learn how to hand over the child correctly (not handing over the child at the door, but also giving short information about the child over the past few days, this way you show the child what you can do communicate).
4. Do not make a child a “transmitter” and a “scout” whose task is to report what is happening in the enemy family. This is especially true for grandparents.
5. Do not interfere with communication with your grandparents by your ex-spouse.

Many parents feel that divorce deprives the child of a future and the experience of guilt in front of the children often aggravates the general feeling of failure and doom. A family psychologist can help the client look at this situation differently.

According to numerous studies, it is much better for a child to live with one of the parents, but in a calm and friendly atmosphere, than in a full family, in which relationships are tense and conflicting, and scandals follow one after another. This is evidenced by data on children’s performance at school, behavior, their level of communication, neuroticism, etc.

Thus, divorce is a severe psychological trauma for all involved, especially for children. However, with timely and qualified help from a family psychologist, you can overcome this trauma, maintain a friendly relationship with your ex-partner, and mitigate the impact of divorce on the child’s state of mind. Also, a family psychologist will help you survive and analyze this difficult life experience so as not to repeat it in the future.

Veprintsova Svetlana,

Candidate of Psychological Sciences

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